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A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the
early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
muttering words like "Faaaaaarkinell" and "where's me Fags".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic
burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to
come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident -
Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes
came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through
it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the
stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the
HOW YOU CAN HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught
up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Tins of baked beans
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she
had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"